Unconfirmed sources have provided unsubstantiated reports of a serious issue with Portage la Prairie’s landmark Coke can.  It is believed that the can has been slowly leaking soda pop to the point where it may in fact, be empty.

IMG_0788Photographic evidence suggests Coca-Cola has been dripping from apparent weak spots near the base of the can.  This would explain why unnamed neighbours have been quietly enjoying sweet tasting, dark coloured well water and why sales of cola drinks have been dropping.  When Hoop and Holler reporters went to some of these homes asking for a glass of water they were politely declined and offered a rum and Coke instead, which further fuelled suspicion the rumours were true.

 

It’s been said around local coffee shops that unknown environmental scientists have been looking into the matter with local authorities and they fear the soda pop may reach the pristine waters of Crescent Lake, turning it into a pool of refreshing, caffeinated, carbonated delight.

Local tourism officials refused to go on record but are reported to be secretly planning on re-focussing marketing efforts from the world’s largest Coke can to the world’s first Coke lake.  Their plans are said to include a white sand beach created from thousands of tons of white sugar.  Rogers Sugar Company is said to be one of the potential sponsors of the attraction.  Area farmers are working on a proposal to use locally grown beet sugar for the project.IMG_0786

Some local bird enthusiasts are concerned about the impact on ducks and geese.  They fear changes to the important nesting and staging ground for migrating water fowl will cause the geese to become hyper-active, obese, and sleep deprived.

Locals also warn that if the geese become more hyped up on caffeine and sugar, human sleep may be affected by the geese honking and carrying on all night.  More active geese would also have more active bowels and defecation on the walking path could increase dramatically.

Critics of the plan are quick to point out the popularity of cola drinks has been declining in recent years and the trend is toward more energy drinks and healthier beverages.  This may have a significant impact on the appeal to potential tourists who may want to swim in vitamin water or sugar-free beverages.  Proponents highlight Portage’s proximity to the American market and that markets unwavering desire for pop and fast food will make the plan a sure success.

Further development includes the option of installing large hot tubs for the cooler seasons to make Crescent Lake a year round destination.  It’s been said these hot tubs could be filled with coffee since Canada is a top consumer of the brown water.  Talks with Canadian coffee icon, Tim Hortons, are ongoing and the hangup is on who will provide the cream for the double-double hot tubs.  Local dairy merchant, Dave Grantham, has the inside track on the contract but he faces competition from out of market suppliers and opposition from some locals wanting a non-dairy option.

The concept is just being formed, but with the possibility of a lake of Coke and hot-tubs of coffee, Portage la Prairie may become known as “The City That Never Sleeps”.

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