Unconfirmed sources have provided unsubstantiated reports of a local self-proclaimed arborist being pushed beyond the point of action with the clearing of a wooded lot for an oil change franchise in downtown Portage.

The tree surgeon and over-re-activist has vowed to avenge the loss of the hundred-year-old oak trees and towering cottonwoods.  “If you think I’ll sit around as the world goes by, you’re thinking like a fool cause it’s a case of do or die.  You’ve got another thing coming!”

Sounding like an angst ridden eighties metal song, the arborist explained his plans for vengeance included the planting of trees on several of the undeveloped empty lots in downtown Portage.

“Judas priest, there is nothing Canadian about killing trees,” screamed the arborist.  He became as silent as a tree falling in the forest with no one around when he was told Canada’s national animal was the beaver.  A large rodent revered for it’s hard work and industriousness, the beaver has come to symbolize the development of the country and Canadian entrepreneurism.

Fictional sources report local developers are in favour of the new enterprise coming to town.  They are quick to point out the lot, that has never been developed in the history of Portage, used to be home to a Christmas tree lot.  With the lot being turned into a fast lube joint, it’s guaranteed it won’t be the site of evergreen genocide again.

IMG_1101The market for Portage la Prairians to get their oil changed without an appointment has never been bigger prompting the major investment.  “Out there is a fortune waiting to be had.  If you think I’ll let it go you’re mad.  You’ve got another thing coming,” said no one involved in the project according to an elderly man on a scooter who was watching the construction.

“Beavers are the enemy!  They are a symbol of evil,” said the arborist.  “All those supporting the destruction of trees should be considered beavers.”  He explained that trees and shrubs of a certain size should be guaranteed the right to a natural death and only at such a time could they then be “re-purposed”.

The arborist called anyone who favoured the development a “beaver” and said, “If you think I’ll sit around while you chip away my brain, listen I ain’t no fool, you’d better think again.”  He threatened his own brand of eco-terrorism by vowing to plant trees, shrubs and other plant life-forms on the empty lots around Portage.

He did acknowledge he hasn’t had his oil changed in a while and the fast lube concept may have some merit.  “Officially I’m opposed to the beavers but I might warm up to an oil change over time,” he conceded.  He went on to add, “Canadians should be ashamed to embrace the beaver as our national animal.  The fat, relentless, tree killing rat should be a symbol of what’s wrong with our country.”

In the 17th Century the Bishop of Quebec had the Catholic Church approve the eating of beaver meat on Fridays during Lent by classifying it as a fish.  This lead to friday beaver roasts during the early days of European settlement in Canada.  The arborist supports the reintroduction of eating beaver on Fridays as a means of eliminating the rodent.  “If it helped save the trees I’d eat beaver every week.”   He’d not only like to see more Canadians consuming beaver but he’d also like to see the practice promoted on Canada Day.  “We should celebrate our national holiday by barbecuing and getting rid of as many beavers as we can.”


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