Portage can be a scary place. Christmas can be stressful and cause anxiety. Combine the two and you have a recipe for nightmares from your subconscious. From the Tashiro archives we present 13 Nightmares of Christmas Past. Remember dreams seldom make sense and the HnH is seldom serious or sane. Enjoy. 1. Visiting mind control Santa who could stare right through you. How else could he know if you were naughty and nice? If you didn’t fall into a trance and tell him, his two heavies would smack you up side the head with gift wrapped black jacks. 2. Running out of money while Christmas shopping in downtown Portage and not having anything left for the not-so-cheerful Christmas Cheer Fund dude. He in turn is forced to stalk and murder you. 3. The dream where you are in the Christmas concert and forget your lines and can’t tell the audience what R means to Christmas. Panicked you mumble something about Rock and Roll and Ozzy Osbourne. The anticipated gasp from the horrified audience is replaced by a quiet mumble and snicker. 4. While starring in the church Christmas performance you have a bath robe malfunction and deeply regret not wearing underwear as your mother instructed. 5. The familiar anxiety dream about the cops having to show up at your family Christmas dinner AGAIN this year. 6. You dream about being the kid waiting for the Santa Claus Parade who has to poop real bad but doesn’t want to miss it. 7. You have irrational dreams of being abducted by weird float characters who force you to eat cereal with beet juice while conducting experiments on you. 8. You have practised for weeks for the Christmas service and are set to start when you realize the rapture has occurred and you’re hooped or the Grinch actually did steal Christmas. 9. You dream that you are under siege by child zombies dressed as shepherds and angels and the one on the right is passing the most horrific gas ever and you die. 10. Your weird and un-socialized cousin gets an axe and rifle for Christmas and screams “that’s exactly what I asked Santa for!” 11. You are forced to play games with your moustached Aunt Maude for the rest of eternity in a kind of black and white alternative hell where you can never win or leave. Kind of like an extended family gathering. 12. In your dream everything in the world becomes small and miniature, including the people. You are forced to stand in the middle of a room and sing until everyone’s ears bleed. 13. You dream you are caught up in a Christmas cult led by an evil Nazi Santa and you are one of his cloned “boys from Brazil”. Bonus Nightmare: You survived a cold war strategic nuclear strike and are left with a post apocalyptic Christmas tree and an inflatable Santa as your only companions. If you enjoyed this Christmas in Portage la Prairie archival post, you might also enjoy the Christmastime in the City post. Leave a Reply Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email.