12 Types of Portage Neighbours Shane Neufeld December 30, 2014 All Stories 1 Comment By no means an exhaustive or definitive list, we do offer a generalized, stereo-typed collection of neighbour types we’ve seen in Portage la Prairie on a regular basis. Some of your neighbours may fall into two or more categories while you may find yourself saying you don’t fit into any. If you define yourself as someone off this list then you are the “normal neighbour”. At least that is what you think. For a more accurate take just ask one of your more honest/brave neighbours and they will tell you which definitions best describe you. The accompanying photos are courtesy of the Caddy Halliday and Yosh Tashiro Archives and they don’t indicate the people in the photos were defined in any way by the accompanying descriptions. Any similarities are purely coincidental. 1. Neighbour Who Knows Everything. This neighbour likes to stare out their window a lot. Usually retired, this neighbour makes it their business to know each detail of whats up on the block. They know when you go to work, when you come home, who got a new car or furniture, who is building a deck, who is replacing flooring. They know all the gossip and go out of their way to confirm suspicions they might have about what is going on. You don’t talk to them often but when you do they freak you out with intimate details of your own life. They disturb you but you do know if a criminal was to try anything, the neighbourhood watcher would catch them. 2. Neighbour Who Blows Snow. Before the last flake has hit the ground each block has at least one guy with a snowblower who likes to blow snow as much as you like to eat. He won’t stop at his own driveway either, he will blow out half the neighbours and most of the street. If there is another snow blowing competitor on the street then both will race to see who clears the snow first. This is fine until the competition has them firing up their machines at 6am. 3. Neighbour With Perfect Yard. Sometimes the same people with the snow blower, these keeners make you feel bad about the plight of your weed bed of a yard. They water, fertilize and trim their yard with toe nail clippers to make it look perfect. Their yard is more like a living room you’re not allowed into, rather than an outdoor space you’d walk on. 4. Neighbour Who Can’t Cut Grass. The opposite of the guy with a perfect yard this neighbour can’t ever seem to get it together. They frustrate the perfect yard people by letting the grass get eight inches long and riddled with weeds. When they do cut it they leave hay behind and miss so many spots it looks more like a goat chewed it. Every once in a while other neighbours will cut the grass for them, not out of pity but just to get rid of the eye sore. 5. Neighbour Who Can’t Bring Garbage Can In. You’ve picked up the wayward can on many a windy day from the middle of the street. Yelled at dogs who knocked it over. Theorized as to why the garbage can sits out for days like a lawn ornament in your neighbours driveway. You see them drive and walk by the can six times a day but they still can’t muster bringing the can up the drive. 6. Neighbour Who Never Knows When It’s Garbage/Recycle Day. Always thrown off by the change in day when a holiday hits, they will have garbage or recycle boxes out when no one else does. This is no big deal unless the wind picks up. By being out a day or two early the wind spreads their recyclables around the neighbourhood, making them believe they actually got the date right. 7. Neighbour With The Crazy Dog. Big dog in a small city yard. Seldom walked. Boundless energy. Left for most of the day alone. When you go over to your neighbour with the crazy dog he is so excited he jumps, barks and licks you to death while sniffing your crotch repeatedly. The neighbour’s walls and doors look like someone tried to break out and it takes several minutes to reign the beast in before they can even open the door. Outside the back yard houses piles of poop that can be enjoyed on warm sunny afternoons while you sit in your yard. 8. Neighbour Who Doesn’t Celebrate Any Holiday. These folks are the ones you remind the kids to avoid at Halloween and when they’re canvassing the block. The house is dark every Halloween and their home has never seen a Christmas light. They are opposed to any community involvement and can’t seem to donate to anything and have the large no soliciting sign on their front door. 9. The Religious Neighbour. Sometime they display some of the same symptoms as the above neighbour but most often they are the awkwardly socialized people on your block. They are friendly but rarely want to be your friend. They’ve invited you to their church a few times but never into their house. They hold some kind of moral high ground you don’t understand other than you feel bad about your kids behaviour and see them stare out the window at you when you carry in a case of beer. You never see them anywhere in the town and they seem to go to church six times a week. 10. Neighbour With Kids. These neighbours are popular when the kids are small and cute and everyone loves and dotes on them. Until…the kids grow up and become the annoying teenagers who can’t communicate with adult humans and rip up and down the street in crappy cars and play crappier, loud music. When they are small you never complain out loud about how noisy they are early on weekend mornings because you don’t want to be the grumpy neighbour (see next). 11. The Grumpy Neighbour. Usually an older person, this neighbour has no filter when it comes to them sharing their dislike of everything that annoys them and EVERYTHING annoys them. Little kids making noise, older kids playing road hockey, teens with cars, neighbours who can’t cut the grass or bring the garbage can in all annoy them and they will let you know. Often their yards are immaculate and they take exception to anyone stepping on it. If you muster trying to engage them they will tell you what’s wrong with everything and you’ll leave exhausted and full of hate. The Grumpy Neighbour despises the next kind of neighbour. 12. The Party Neighbour. The party is everywhere they are at. Forever having bar-b-ques and get togethers they are always offering you a beer and looking to visit. They have a lot of people over with cars parked all over the street. The parties can get a little loud which is only a problem if you are not part of it. The Grumpy and Weird Religious Neighbours often call the cops when this happens. The Weird Religious Neighbour will deny this and the Grumpy Neighbour will be out on the street directing traffic when the cops arrive. They become the default social convener of the block and are always outside. Here is the list of 11 Kinds of Portage Friends. 11 Types of Portage Friends You might also find these stories and videos helpful and fun. A Guide to Properly Mispronouncing Portage Street Names A Video Story called “You might be fro Portage if…” One Response Leave a Reply Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email.